i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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