I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
