Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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