I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize