Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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