i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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