guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize