even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
