I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
