Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
