I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
