I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
