Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
