Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
