you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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