Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
