Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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