I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
