oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize