The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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