I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
