Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize