R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize