Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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