Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
