So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
