your thong is hanging out like whoa
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
