You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
this hospital has no fireball
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
