Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
