so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
