he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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