I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
