last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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