i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
