New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
