I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
