My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
