I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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