Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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