dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
