that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So many bounce houses so little time
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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