There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
