I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
