A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize