Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You don't make any sense
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