My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
