i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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