Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
