drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
