we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
