Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
