a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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