im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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