Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
did i just pee glitter
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
