Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
