Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My vagina is very pro this idea
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
